I’ve spent year coaching men from around the world and will be sharing all my learnings, mistakes, insights and wisdom.
WHY MEN CAN BE DISTANT
Understanding men who are distant, avoidant and find it difficult to deeply connect.
I’m currently working on my issues with my late mother who passed away over 20 years ago. Doesn’t matter if she isn’t in my life anymore, I still will have the psychological childhood bond which needs healing.
I find this very challenging like most men, I know the effort is worth it. It means I’ll be able to establish deeper bonds with my kids, family and friends.
Kenneth Adams Ph.D.
A mother-enmeshed boy must tolerate excessive closeness from his mother. When the boy grows up, he demands that his wife be distant and tolerate what his mother wouldn’t.
Most enmeshed men want nothing to do with a seemingly needy dependent woman who reminds him of his mother. He doesn’t want to have to take care of her at the expense of himself, the way he had done as a boy.
A woman connected to this type of man needs to recognise this core reality: He is acting out with her the scene he couldn’t enact with his mother. He demands that his partner tolerate his distance, because his mother wouldn’t tolerate it. His busy schedule is not the reason he is unavailable.
HOW MEN FEEL TRAPPED
In mother-son enmeshment, the mother inverts the parent-child relationship, so that the boy is now being used to stabilise the needy mother rather than the other way around. The child’s adoring attention soothes the inner emotional storms of the mother’s feelings; it calms her anxious, fearful, and angry moods. But then his natural need for autonomy arises, beginning at the age of two or three and then at later times throughout childhood. (Many people assume the need for autonomy begins in adolescence, but this isn’t true.)
He wants to feel free to come and go without negative consequences; he needs to avoid the burden of having to placate his mother’s disappointment. But the enmeshing mother feels threatened when her adoring, loving, reassuring son now is poised to withdraw her source of emotional well-being. She feels that his departure-as natural as it is-is dangerous to her happiness and emotional stability. Unconsciously, and sometimes consciously, she begins to bind him to her.
She has the power to be successful in en-meshing him, but this happens at a huge cost to the son’s future happiness.
Dr. Kenneth M. Ada